


What I've Been Looking For

by magnusbicon (patrickbrewer)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Childhood Memories, Episode: s03e12 Original Sin, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Past, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 04:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18003629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patrickbrewer/pseuds/magnusbicon
Summary: He closes his eyes, pictures a smile spreading across his face as he stands in front of the man he loves, a man who loves him back. He imagines not having to hide, feeling safe enough to step closer, to grab his hand, to kiss him on a crowded street and have his heart race out of happiness rather than fear.When he opens his eyes, he is no longer a scared little boy in his room in the Institute. He’s a grown man meeting the gaze of Magnus Bane.





	What I've Been Looking For

**Author's Note:**

> Alec Lightwood never thought he'd get to stare into the eyes of the man he loves, huh? And now look at him! This episode made me so happy for a number of reasons, but that line brought up so many emotions that I love exploring. I hope y'all enjoyed the episode as well! 💜

Alec turns onto his back with a harsh sigh, glaring at the old fashioned clock that ticks obnoxiously on his nightstand.

3 a.m.

His room is dark and silent save for the occasional sound of boots slapping on the wood floor as someone walks down the hallway outside of his door, yet he can’t seem to get his brain to shut off. Memories from earlier flash through his mind over and over, unrelenting and cruel.

_“What are you staring at, Lightwood? You into me or something?”_

The disgust that coats every word seeps into his skin like poison, hardening his veins and constricting his throat. He sits up, nails scratching down his neck, desperate to claw every syllable out of the folds of his brain.

_“No, I-”_

_“Then why are you still looking?”_

_Laughter. Steps back. Curled lips and searching gazes._

It’s too much.

It’s too _true_.

He _was_ looking. He’s usually so careful, so determined to _not_ look, but at some point he went from observing fighting style to something else.

He was reckless. Irresponsible. _Gay_.

He thought he could hide it, shield himself from prying eyes with glares and folded arms and perfectly aimed arrows. He thought he could save the desires for moments like these, when he’s alone in his bed, safe from the astute gazes of others. This is his safe haven, the one place he can let his mind roam without consequence. Without shame.

He closes his eyes, pictures a smile spreading across his face as he stands in front of the man he loves, a man who loves him back. He imagines not having to hide, feeling safe enough to step closer, to grab his hand, to kiss him on a crowded street and have his heart race out of happiness rather than fear.

When he opens his eyes, he is no longer a scared little boy in his room in the Institute. He’s a grown man meeting the gaze of Magnus Bane.

And isn’t this better than any dream? Isn’t this far past whatever reality he had hoped for as a teenager?

“Hey,” he says, stepping closer and grabbing Magnus’ hand. “When I’m 90, I’m not going to remember the trendy gallery or the amazing Greek food we have if we don’t slow down and savor moments like these, when I’m staring into the eyes of the man I love.”

Magnus smiles, understanding and trust flooding his eyes, and somewhere in the past, a young Alec Lightwood does as well.


End file.
